At the age of 19, I became completely debilitated with severe depression, PTSD and C-PTSD. I couldn’t function, I was completely hopeless, and life was a heavy burden. I was ashamed of my symptoms, afraid of asking for help, and thought I didn’t have my place in the world. I lived in survival and control, afraid of the world, triggered by others constantly. I thought others were fine and that there was something deeply wrong with me.

So I did what I thought I had to, I started “traditional talk therapy”. Even though I had a safe space and an empathetic and loving witness, no matter how much effort I put into healing, I wasn’t getting better.

I gave myself a year to get better, and out of a mix of determination and hopelessness, I started researching ways to heal. That’s when I first stumbled upon trauma work. I was hungry for more and read every book and research I could find on the topic. I researched it all on my own because I felt like the medical system had failed me, and that I had to save myself.

Suddenly things fell into place. Nothing was ever wrong with me. The “okay” childhood I had in mind wasn’t okay at all anymore, and what I was suffering from was symptoms of the many, many unresolved traumas my body and psyche were carrying.

I developed a passion for the topic of trauma and healing. I learnt about nervous system regulation, emotions, how trauma freezes time and the body with it.

I still had a very scientific and rational approach to healing. I researched every healing modality I could find, and went on trying it. I wanted to find the “best way to heal”, “the most efficient modality” and the best therapist. I did Somatic Experiencing, Internal Family Systems, EMDR, Brainspotting, EFT, FasterEFT, IEMT, breath work, shamanic healing. I approached healing as something to be fixed or changed in me, a “problem to be solved”. I found all these techniques amazing, but I was confused because I felt like they complemented each other and a more holistic approach combining them was needed.

While looking for an EFT therapist, I found a very special therapist who was able to hold and guide me on that deep journey, welcoming and loving every part of me, not only the nice ones.

Early on the journey, I remember feeling that if I could get myself through it, I would help others on the way, I felt like it wasn’t only about me.

I then went through a four year initiation.

After every big trauma I would heal, another wave of trauma would come to the surface to be seen and healed. For four years, I kept uncovering new layers of pain waiting to be felt. It was very confusing and hard to function in the external world while dealing with that, extremely isolating as I didn’t know anyone who had been on that journey.

I became a toddler again, a 3, 4, 5 year old craving for the love, touch and nurture she never got. All the buried pain I had in me, from the womb to now, as well as generational pain became accessible. I felt like I was transmuting trauma constantly for myself and for the collective, from my past and my ancestors. It felt like a dark tunnel that would never end, there was always more darkness to sit with, and I couldn’t live a normal life.

I sat with grief, hopelessness, rage, deep sorrows, fears and a lot of confusion.

It was ugly and messy at times, but equally beautiful and freeing.

New parts of me I didn’t know existed emerged, it turned out that what I thought as my personality were defence mechanisms to my past trauma.

Slowly, I started to heal. I started not only understanding what had happened to me, but feeling it. My childhood became a very nasty picture to look at. The scapegoating, narcissistic abuse, physical abuse and extreme neglect that I had suppressed came back strongly. Yet, the truth freed me, I explored the sorrows and joys of reparenting my younger self, way better than my parents ever could, reconnected with life, started enjoying small things in life, looking forward to the future, slowly connecting to others again. I accessed trauma from ancestors way back in my line, healed generational patterns and wounds, reconnected to the ones who were here before me, and to the Earth.

My scientific mind began to trust this process, and my thirst for finding the best way to heal stopped. It became obvious that I had been guided in this process, and that behind all that darkness, was a lot of love and light. Although I fell in a lot of spiritual bypassing in my journey, it started to be clear that my healing journey WAS the spiritual journey all along. I discovered that there isn’t one way to heal, that healing is a holistic process that requires a loving presence to feel the past together, so that is doesn’t become the future.

I found a wonderful mentor who had found similar findings from her own research and healing journey: that healing is deeply holistic and requires a mix of many tools : inner child, somatics, processing techniques, parts work, nervous system regulation. I went on to train with her school.

I have also sat with ayahuasca which has been huge in my journey, and had a spontaneous awakening, so even though I am not a spiritual mentor, I can hold space for this type of experience.

Healing isn’t bounded to the therapy space. Nature, that dog on the picture, yoga, movement, singing, groups have played a huge role in my journey.

I know the pain of sitting with your trauma for years and being completely misunderstood by others around you. I know the loneliness of this sacred path as well as the magic and beauty of it.

I truly believe you can’t guide others in deep waters if you haven’t been there yourself, and this is my humble gift to the world..

I am still on the journey, and my will to learn on the topic never stops.

At the moment, I enjoy digging into ancestral and collective trauma healing, and the interdependence between the spiritual journey and the healing journey.

I truly feel that this work is what I was meant to do here, and it’s an honour to hold others on the path.

Much love!